Distraction vs. Avoidance: Why it’s Important to Know the Difference
Do you ever have one of those days when you just need a break? Of course you do- we all do! We have moments when things are just way too much and we need a time out. Maybe it’s stress after a long day, sadness that sneaks up on you, or anxiety that just won’t quit. In those moments, it's natural to reach for something to take the edge off. What most people go to is distraction.
But there's a fine line between healthy distraction and emotional avoidance, and learning the difference can make a big impact on your mental health and keep you from feeling stuck in the mud.
What is Distraction?
Distraction is a skill. A pause. A beat. A “hold the f up”. It is intentional and done with purpose, knowing that you will get back to whatever you are distracting from. Distraction is a temporary shift of your attention away from something you find distressing. We do this to regulate our nervous system and let it settle to avoid being flooded by emotion. In fact, in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), distraction is what we’re talking about when we talk about Distress Tolerance. The skills of Distress Tolerance can be summed up in different ways to distract yourself.
Distraction can look like:
Watching a favorite show after a hard day
Going for a walk to clear your head
Listening to music or a podcast
Calling a friend just to connect
Playing with your furbaby
Moving your body
Cleaning your home
Doing a meditation
Getting cozy with a good book
What is Avoidance?
Avoidance is the classic, “if I don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist,” and we all know how well that typically turns out. With avoidance, we consistently push away and suppress thoughts, feelings, or situations that make us uncomfortable or bring us distress. Sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes it’s not, but either way, we can have compassion for ourselves when we do this and see it as a protective measure to deal with something. The tricky thing about avoidance, however, is that it doesn’t make what we are pushing down actually go away. It just delays it, often letting it grow in the dark sticky background, feeding anxiety, shame, or fear. Avoidance creates more distress.
Avoidance can show up as:
Constant scrolling or numbing out
Putting off things that bring up hard emotions
Telling yourself “it’s fine” when, girl, you know it’s not
Avoiding therapy, reflection, or conversations
Never allowing yourself to cry, grieve, or reflect
Numbing out with substance use
Noticing yourself putting the same task on your to-do list but never doing it
So, How Can You Tell the Difference?
Try asking yourself:
“Am I giving myself a break, or trying to run from something?”
“Do I feel regulated or more disconnected after doing this?”
“Am I avoiding something I might need to face eventually?”
“Am I planning to return to this issue later, or am I hoping it just disappears?”
“Am I intentionally using a skill right now?”
It’s totally human not to want to do something that brings us anxiety, discomfort, or distress. And sometimes we do the same thing for both distraction and avoidance- for example, scrolling social media. One of the biggest ways to tell the difference is that distraction is time-limited- we have a boundary. Rather than doom-scrolling for hours on end, we might set a timer and give ourselves 15 minutes to scroll before we get back to what we need to do.
It’s all about self-compassion and reflection. It’s normal to want to procrastinate sometimes- I mean, who wants to do the dishes? So, being hard on ourselves or getting into a shame spiral doesn't help anything. That being said, when we avoid too much, it makes everything harder and can negatively impact our lives in a real way.
How Therapy Can Help
Your therapist, especially when you work with me, can call out and help you decipher between avoidance and distraction. There isn’t an expectation to know this stuff before exploring it in the therapeutic space. Part of the work is learning when to pause and when to lean in — how to regulate without shutting down. I often use DBT in my therapy sessions to help clients build distress and emotional tolerance through skill work.
Remember:
Distraction is a skill.
Avoidance is a signal.
Both deserve curiosity, not shame.
If you’re not sure which one you’re using — or how to shift — that’s something we can explore together.
